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150 Rules of Being Bro (part V)
How to be a Bro by “The Bro Code” written by Barney Stinson of the How I Met Your Mother
Article 121: Even if he’s never skied before, a Bro doesn’t trifle with the bunny slope.
Article 122: A Bro is always psyched. Always.
Article 123: Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from "Beat It" which, I guess, two Bros shouldn’t do anyway, or at least not very often.
Article 124: If a Bro should shoot an air ball, strike out while playing softball, or throw a gutter ball while Bowling, he is required to make some sort of excuse for himself.
Article 125: If a Bro is driving ahead of another Bro in a Bro Train, he is required to attempt to lose him in traffic as a funny joke.
Article 126: In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity. This may include but is not limited to: the high five, the fist bump or the congratulatory gluteal pat. Winking is also kind of a no-no.
Article 127: A Bro will always help another Bro reconstruct the events from the previous night, unless those events entail hooking up with an ugly chick or the Bro repeatedly saying "I love you, man" to all his Bros.
Article 128: A Bro never wears two articles of clothing at the same time that bear the same school name, vacation destination or sports team. Even in a laundry emergency, its preffered that a Bro go out half naked rather than violate this code…half naked from the waist up, naturally.
Article 129: If a Bro lends another Bro a DVD, video game, or piece of lawn machinery, he shall not expect to ever get it back, unless his Bro happens to die and bequeath it back to him.
Article 130: If a Bro learns another Bro has been in a traffic accident, he must first ask what type of car he collided with and whether it got totaled before asking if his Bro is okay.
Article 131: While a Bro is not expected to know exactly how to change a tire, he is required to at least drag out the jack and stare at the flat for a while. If he needs to consult the car’s ownership manual to locate the jack, he shall do so from inside the car, where he is not visible to passersby and where he can discreetly call a tow truck, after which it is recommended that he hide the jack by the side of the road so he’ll have a legitimate excuse when the tow truck arrives.
Article 132: If a Bro decides to let all of his Bros down and get married, he is required to invite them to the wedding, even if this directly violates the wishes of his fiancée and results in a "no sex" penalty or whatever lame domestic punishment couples might employ
Article 133: A Bro only claims a fart after first accusing at least one other Bro.
Article 134: A Bro is entitled to use a woman as his wingman
Article 135: If a scenario arises in which a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot:
(1) foot race to the car,
(2) silent auction or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles,
(3) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.
Article 136: When interrogated by a girlfriend about a bachelor party, a Bro shall offer nothing more than an uninterested "It was okay"
Article 137: When hosting, a Bro orders enough pizza for all his Bros
Article 138: A real Bro doesn’t laugh when a guy gets hit in the groin.
Exception: Unless he doesn’t know the guy.
Article 139: Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical, despite the fact that, yes, "Broadway" begins with "Bro"
Article 140: A Bro reserves the right to simply walk away during the first five minutes of a date. (Lemon Law)
Article 141: A Bro can only get a manicure if
(a) he’s trying to sleep with the hot Asian woman performing the manicure, or
(b) it’s been longer than a month since his last manicure.
Its called the Bro Code, not the slob Code.
Article 142: A Bro shall seek no revenge if he passes out around his Bros and wakes up to find marker all over his face.
Article 143: When executing a high five a Bro is forbidden from intertwining fingers of grasping his Bro’s hand
Article 144: It is unacceptable for two Bros to share a hotel bed without first exhausting all couch, cot, and pillows-on-floor combinations. If it’s still unavoidable, they shall prevent any incidental spoon-age by arm wrestling to determine who sleeps under the covers. Once decided each Bro shall don as many lower layers as possible before silently fist bumping the other good night.
Article 145: A Bro is never offended if another Bro fails to return a phone call, text or email in a timely fashion
Article 146: A Bro refrains from using too much detain when relating sexual exploits to his Bros
Article 147: If a Bro sees another Bro get into a fight, he immediately has his Bro’s back
Exception: If his Bro has picked a fight with a scary looking guy.
Exception: If this is the third fight (or more) his Bro has gotten into that week.
Exception: If the Bro has a note from a physician excusing him from having anybody’s back.
Article 148: A Bro doesn’t listen to chick music…in front of other Bros. When alone, a Bro may listen to, say, a Sarah McLachlan album or two, but only to gain valuable insights into the female psyches, not because he finds her melodies tragically haunting yet curiously uplifting at the same time.
Article 149: A Bro pretends to understand and enjoy cigars
Article 150: No sex with you Bro’s ex. EVER!