search the site
The Playbook. 9 Rules to Pick Up Girls by Barney Stinson
How to pick up chicks.
“The Playbook” is a new book by fictional character Barney Stinson from “How I Met Your Mother”. “The Playbook” contains every scam, con, hustle, hoodwink, gambit, flimflam, stratagem and bamboozle Barney ever used — or ever hopes to use — to pick up chicks and give them the business.
1. “The Don’t Drink That”
Location: Bar
Action: Run to the girl, grasp her by the hand.
Dialogue:
You Whoa, don’t drink that. I saw some guy slip something in there.
Girl What? Who?
You Uh… that guy.
Girl Thank You.
2. “The Mrs. Stinsfire”
Location: Girl’s dorm
Action: Make up like Robin Williams in “Mrs. Doubtfire” from Chris Columbus’ movie.
Dialogue:
Girl Now Kappas, after our disciplinary hearing for lewd behavior last semester, we have been signed a new housemom. I’d like You to meet Mrs. Stinsfire.
You Hello, girls!
3. “The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn”
Location: Bar
Action: To perform the Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, here’s what You’ll need: Basic knowledge of Web site design and a very unique fake name. So, think of Your fake name right now. Have You got it? Good.
Now, select Your target. Preferably a girl with a real ni… phone.
Dialogue:
You Yeah, it’s me.
Girl Do I know You?
You I’m Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.
Girl Are You, like, famous or something?
You Yes. What a refreshing change of pace. Nice to meet You…
Girl Shelly.
You Shelly. Once again, I’m Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. Spelled like it sounds two “T”s. Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. Ciao.
Then, as soon as You’re gone, she gets out her phone and does an Internet search for Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. And that’s when she discovers. A series of fake Web sites, all devoted to the incredible life of Lorenzo Von Matterhorn. There’s the fake business article about Lorenzo, the reclusive billionaire. The fake Explorers Club newsletter describing his balloon trek to the North Pole as a feat of pure daring and imagination. The fake medical journal featuring the heartbreaking story of doctors telling him penis reduction surgery isn’t an option. And by the time You get back.
You Hi, Shelly, uh, I hate to be forward, but can I buy You a cup of coffee?
Girl Yes! Please.
You What does coffee go for these days, $50?
Girl Oh, Lorenzo.
And it is on.
4. “The SNASA”
Location: Bar
Action: Talking about secret NASA
Dialogue:
Girl Wow, You’re an astronaut?
You Shh! I’m actually in a top secret government space program called Secret NASA or SNASA.
Girl Wow, SNASA.
You Mm-mm.
Girl Do You go to the Moon and stuff?
You Well, not the Moon You’re familiar with, though I have been to the Smoon.
Girl Wow, the Smoon.
5. “The Cheap Trick”
Location: Bar
Action: Create an image of musician of rock or metal band
Dialogue:
You I’m the bass player for “Cheap Trick”.
6.“The He’s Not Coming”
Location: The observation deck of the Empire State Building
Action: To perform “The He’s Not Coming” here’s what You’ll need: The observation deck of the Empire State Building. Are You there? Good. For generations, this has been the spot New Yorkers have chosen for their romantic reunions with long-estranged lovers, so all You have to do is walk up to every girl You see and say… “He’s not coming”.
Dialogue:
You He’s not coming.
Girl He’s not? But we agreed. We always said we’d meet here. On this night. I’m such a fool.
You Shh, shh, shh…
7. “The Ted Mosby”
Location: Bar
Action: Dress up like Ted Mosby and say how You got left at the altar
Dialogue:
You I got left at the altar.
8. “The My Penis Grants Wishes”
Location: Bar
Action: Dress up like Alladin or lamp.
Dialogue:
Girl Really? A genie comes of it?
You Only if You rub it hard enough.
9. “The Scuba Diver”
Location: Bar
Action: Step one: tell a meddlesome female friend about “The Playbook”. Run play on one of her coworkers, king her so angry. She steals “the Playbook”.
Put on a scuba suit and tell her You’re going to do one more scam called “The Scuba Diver” on the hot girl standing by the bar.
Your friend — let’s call her Lily — goes and talks to the girl and tells her everything about “The Playbook”. Now, here’s where it gets tricky. When Lily and the girl ask at “The Scuba Diver” is, about Your deep-seated insecurities which don’t really exist because — let’s face it — You’re awesome. Feeling bad for You, Lily talks You up to the girl, who then agrees to go get coffee with You.
And it… is… on.